Plot
Zohan Dvir (Adam Sandler) is a superhuman Israeli counter-terrorist and the finest and most respected soldier in the Israel Defense Forces. However, Zohan has become both disgusted and disillusioned by the constant fighting, secretly dreaming of moving to the US and becoming a hairdresser. This reaches a breaking point when a barbecue he hosts is interrupted by the IDF sending Zohan on a mission to stop a Palestinian terrorist group being led by his personal arch-enemy, Fatoush "Phantom" Hakbarah (John Turturro), another superhuman. Despite being upset over his ruined party, Zohan sees it as his long-awaited chance to desert the IDF and move to America. During the pursuit he fakes his own death and smuggles himself onto a plane to New York City, cuts his hair, and adopts the alias "Scrappy Coco" (which is a pseudonym of the names of the two dogs he shared the flight's baggage hold with) while claiming that he is "Half Australian, Half Mount Everest (though people mistake it for Tibetan)." Meanwhile, Phantom becomes rich and famous for supposedly killing Zohan and starts his own fast-food chain, "Phantom's Muchentuchen" (which is apparently a food that is compared with steak).Initially unsuccessful in finding employment at several salons, Zohan's military expertise earns him a new friend, Michael (Nick Swardson), who gives him a place to stay. However, Michael starts to lose comfort in Zohan when he finds him sleeping with his mother, Gail (Lainie Kazan). Zohan encounters a fellow Israeli named Oori (Ido Mosseri), who owns an electronics store, at a disco; he recognizes Zohan but vows to keep his identity a secret. Zohan attempts to gain a job, but Oori turns him down, informing him that several workers had dreams of their own, but got used to the lifestyle of the store, and Oori's reason to turn Zohan down is that he respects his dream too much to let Zohan kill his own dream, which Zohan commends him for. Oori takes him to an area in lower Manhattan populated with Middle Eastern immigrants, who are split between a Palestinian side and an Israeli side of the street. Zohan is fearful at first, but after Oori informs him of Phantom's success (and following a memory of a mercenary cutting his hand off, but he telekinetically controls it and stabs the mercenary in the back, and drinking a Fizzy Bubblech drink afterwards), Zohan attempts to land a job in a struggling salon of a Palestinian woman named Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui). Dalia reluctantly allows Zohan to sweep floors for free, but after losing one of her employees (and an apparent attempt at suicide), she eventually allows him to be a stylist after he pleases a senior lady with an exceptional haircut and back room sexual service. Zohan's reputation spreads rapidly among the more elderly women of lower Manhattan, causing Dalia's business to prosper, which upsets Grant Walbridge (Michael Buffer), a corporate magnate who has been trying to buy out all the local tenants on the block so that he can build a rollercoaster mall.
Zohan is identified by a Palestinian cab driver named Salim (Rob Schneider), who bears a grudge against Zohan for having taken his goat away in Palestine long ago because Salim spat on him. Salim convinces his friends, Hamdi and Nasi, to help him kill Zohan, but after two failed attempts to contact another terrorist through a customer service line, and a failed bomb attempt (in which they confuse 12 boxes of Neosporin for nitroglycerine, thanks to Salim mispronouncing the word), they are forced to contact Phantom. Salim attempts to blackmail Phantom, but he ends up getting the stiff end of the deal as he convinces Phantom to visit New York to find Zohan. Meanwhile, after Zohan takes Michael's shift for a community nightwatch and takes out a series of graffiti artists, which frustrates Walbridge even further, he realizes that he has fallen in love with Dalia and comes clean to Michael and his mother about his true identity (after learning of Phantom's visit, even though Michael had apparently figured that out already) before meeting Dalia. Dalia rejects Zohan after he reveals he was formerly an Israeli counterterrorist operative. Zohan decides to leave Dalia to protect her, though she gives him a Paul Mitchell book as a leaving gift, and confront Phantom in a championship Hacky Sack game sponsored by Walbridge. After Phantom meets with Mariah Carey, Zohan arrives and reluctantly begins to fight Phantom. Zohan's fight is cut short with sudden news of the Middle Eastern block being attacked, and he quickly leaves, shortly after discussing his plans with Michael and an undercover agent.
Zohan arrives and calms the Israelis and Palestinians, who each blame the other for the violence, while making peace with Salim. Phantom then appears and confronts Zohan, but Zohan refuses to fight. Dalia appears, revealing that she is Phantom's sister, and convinces her brother to cooperate with Zohan against the arsonists, revealed to be racist rednecks hired by Walbridge to instigate an interethnic riot so he can get his new mall in the aftermath. As Zohan and Phantom work to save the block (both by kicking combat, and by singing "The Sound", a sound so loud, it destroys many shop windows, blows the manhole cover, and even blows up the artificial breasts of Walbridge's girlfriend), Phantom admits that he always wanted to be a shoe salesman rather than a terrorist. Although the rednecks are defeated (with the lead one in a humiliating way) and Walbridge is jailed (since the methods he used were far from legal), Phantom continues singing "The Sound" and accidentally destroys all of the shops on the block. However, with the Israelis and Palestinians united (and rekindled, in the case of Zohan and Salim), the block is transformed into a collectively owned mall called the Peace and Brotherhood Fire Insurance Mall. Phantom opens a shoe shop in the mall called Fatoush's Kickin' Shoes (having stopped being embarrassed about his first name, and having apparently closed the muchentuchen restaurant chain), Oori reopens his "Going Out of Business" electronics shop, Salim gets back his goat, which he gives small children rides on next to a baby shop, and Zohan and Dalia open a beauty salon together called Dalohan (which is presumably their ship name), with Zohan having now married Dalia. In the end, Zohan's parents, initially unsupportive of his dream to be a hairdresser, show up, approving of his new job and lifestyle before his father requests that he cut his hair, which Zohan happily does.
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